wow.

I am not even going to try and summarize this past year or so since I last blogged. What matters is how I am now, and not even I know how I am. I can give facts though.

1. This time last year, my FEV1* numbers were at 59.2% of normal. Now they are 52%, which is better then the decline from 2009-2010.
2. I have cried more times in the past two weeks then I have the past two years.
3. At the moment I have 7 nieces and nephews and 4 more who I consider my nieces/nephew.
4. I really want a child of my own.

I have felt the want for a child of my own for years now but never, ever has it been this bad.

I think it has to do with all the new babies in the family. My sister just had her third child, a baby girl named Madison. My distant cousin is pregnant and ready to pop. My aunt has a baby who is now nine months old, a little boy named Braydon James. 

I brought up the subject with my boyfriend who told me very firmly no. When i explained why I didn't want to wait the 7 years its going to take to finish school, he turned that into a maybe, I will think about it. Hes scared that hes going to be a bad father. I dont think he will be though. 

On top of all that, i am still fundraising for the Great strides walk to benifit the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I dont know exactly how im going to fund raise though.

Fundraising to find a cure

GREAT STRIDES is the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation's largest and most successful national fundraising event. This year, I'm walking in the GREAT STRIDES walk at the San Francisco walk on May 21st. Please help me meet my fundraising goal of $200 by sponsoring me. Your generous gift will be used efficiently and effectively, as nearly 90 cents of every dollar of revenue raised is available for investment in vital CF programs to support research, care and education.

untitled

I have no idea what to type today, but i feel the need to type. my grandfather is in the hospital and i am very lucky to not be right next to him. me and my mother have come to an agreement that i should no longer live there except for when necessary for school. Cross contamination is highly likely between me and my grandfather and it was really irresponsible for us not to think about that before we decided to go ahead and move me in. He seems to be out of the woods but i wish i could go see him. im not allowed to though. life is seeming less and less fair. I wish that everything would just be ok. I seem to go back to the old metaphor of my brain is just a bunch of people, each with their own task. one for love, one for jealousy, ect. Lately the one for love seems to stand up and get everyones attention before saying "attention attention: FML..... that is all."

ugg today sucked

Here is a list, in order of events of things that went wrong today.
First off, an ex boyfriend of mine(not my most recent but another one) went apeshit on me because he thinks im dating my friend gavin. *face palm* here are a few of the reasons that is so FAIL. 1)he my EX boyfriend, doesnt mean he needs to know every thing going on in my life, 2) im not dating my friend gavin, 3) doesnt matter if i did because im not getting back together with my last ex so why the hell does he care?

Second, I forgot a major homework asignment was due today until an hour before i had to leave for class, rushed work+bad mood already=extream bad mood

Third, In my frenzy to work on my homework i forgot to eat dinner, so i had to pack a plate for the ride over there and eat in a hurry.

Fourth, Trying to be a good CFer i took a soda and my meds with me. bad idea. the soda spilled onto my lap and made it look like i peed myself without enough time to go home and change.

Finally, apparently not only was an important homework assignment due it was also midterms!!! all i have to say is FML!!

ok that is all lol. -gabs

ok thats it

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop pining over someone who obviously doesnt want me.
I need to stop falling in love with the wrong guys and start falling in love with myself. If I dont love myself how can i expect anyone to love me?
I dont know how im gonna do this other than treating my body as a temple, im going to start weeding out the bad food and start eating the good foods in life.
Im also going to start with my real photography again. I miss that so much and i need to take some "me" time.
For now i am swearing off of anyone who isnt me. Atleast til may 17th. then i shall reevaluate.
I dont know what im expecting from this but its change, and i might start doing something right.

being home

I dont count the house i live at with my mother as home.

i dont know if i ever can.

i live for the weekends i can go home

the place i lived for 17 years

the place i will live for how ever long  my dad pays rent here

(and doesnt kick me out...)

the cob webs and spiders,

mice and odd neighbors,

silence and love.

these are all the things i have missed about home.

kinda lost but thats ok

right now my life feels kinda like the song from three doors down, "when im gone"
i dont leave my room much now except for school. its becoming harder and harder to keep myself with this happy face on. i feel like i have disappointed my parents again. they dont show it but sometimes when i cough they look at me and i just know what they are thinking. im sorry i cant do my treatments. i wont lie and say i want to and i think thats the biggest thing... we all end up dead so why do something that will only prolong my suffering?
i dont deserve to love and get married. im would bring another child into this already over populated hell of a time period. and to top it all of i would die when they were young, but i also imagine that if i had a baby i would love myself more and would long to keep myself here for them. i know the love of a child by their mother is something no one who hasnt experiaced it would understand. i just wonder to myself that if thats true i might change myself for the better so i can watch them grow up.
i really hate myself sometimes and its getting really bad lately.
the emptyness is back, calling for me to let it take me away into myself. and im tempted to just crawl in there and let it have me.