Monday, February 22, 2010

being home

I dont count the house i live at with my mother as home.
i dont know if i ever can.
i live for the weekends i can go home
the place i lived for 17 years
the place i will live for how ever long  my dad pays rent here
(and doesnt kick me out...)
the cob webs and spiders,
mice and odd neighbors,
silence and love.
these are all the things i have missed about home.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

kinda lost but thats ok

right now my life feels kinda like the song from three doors down, "when im gone"
i dont leave my room much now except for school. its becoming harder and harder to keep myself with this happy face on. i feel like i have disappointed my parents again. they dont show it but sometimes when i cough they look at me and i just know what they are thinking. im sorry i cant do my treatments. i wont lie and say i want to and i think thats the biggest thing... we all end up dead so why do something that will only prolong my suffering?
i dont deserve to love and get married. im would bring another child into this already over populated hell of a time period. and to top it all of i would die when they were young, but i also imagine that if i had a baby i would love myself more and would long to keep myself here for them. i know the love of a child by their mother is something no one who hasnt experiaced it would understand. i just wonder to myself that if thats true i might change myself for the better so i can watch them grow up.
i really hate myself sometimes and its getting really bad lately.
the emptyness is back, calling for me to let it take me away into myself. and im tempted to just crawl in there and let it have me. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

what happens?

what happens when you realize you cant live without someone? but every time you talk to them it feels like the hole in you gets bigger and bigger? sorry my boyfriend broke up with me not too long ago and at first i was fine, it wasnt until we talked agian that i felt my heart twinge alittle and then the next time i felt something was missing and tonight after our talk i just feel empty inside.... like nothing really matters. i thought time heals all wounds? then why the hell is time fucking with me and making them worse? really when i talk to him my whole body feels like its flying, its just when he has to go that gets me.
i should tell you a bit about us to let you know how we got to be together.

i met him when i was in kindergarten, i had such a huge crush on him already. he was a third or fourth grader at the time so he didnt pay much attention to me. i just crushed silently because i knew it wasnt the right time.

he left elementary school but he has a younger brother so i became friends with him when we were both in daycare together.  not best friends or anything but good enough friends that we could talk and what not.

the next time i say him was in the 8th grade when he was working at the boys and girls club. he remembered me from daycare. i remembered him also and the crush that was there oh so many years ago came back with a vengeance. i couldn't do anything then except for a few flirty remarks that he didn't pay too much attention to.

this happened for a year and a half maybe but i continued to see other guys because i always thought he was unattainable. he would drive me home from the boys and girls club when i didnt have a ride and i would thank him with a kiss on the cheek.

it wasnt till i was in the 10th grade that anything really happend. one of the days that he dropped me off at home from the club i told him how i felt and he told me that he knew and he really liked me too but the age thing was bad for his job. i understood of course but it still made me kinda sad but that day he kissed me and i just felt like i could fly.

a year later on Halloween i spent the night at his house. i was supposed to sleep on the couch but thats not quite what happend and since i dont want to put a mature rating on my blog i wont go into details. i felt amazing because then i knew he felt the same way about me as i did him.

after a rocky 7 months he was my boyfriend offically. things were wonderful, his boss understood and so did his parents, hell his parents loved me. it was blissful. we only had one fight maybe two but nothing major.

we were together for 6 months before i had to move to sacramento. it was only an hour drive but my schooling schedual and his didnt match plus he had to work and his parents make him do alot of chours so we couldnt see eachother like we wanted to and so he thought it was best to call it off. i thought it was a good idea at first too but now it just sucks. i miss him so much.

i dont know much about life but i hope one thing is true, and that is that if its ment to be it will be. every time i notice its 11:11 i make a wish that we will be together agian sometime soon.

Friday, February 5, 2010

wow the past few days have been stressful!

ok so I was admitted to the emergency room the other day for shortness of breath and just got home. It took forever but the good news is that i got to meet my new CF doctor. hes pretty cool i have to admit i think im gonna like him. the nurses at this kaiser are just as bad as the nurses at Oakland kaiser ughhh seriously if another person comes in and asks me "so how are you doing?" im going to go postal. im in the fucking hospital not being able to breathe very well how the hell do you think im feeling? not very good is my guess. and if i answer your question im betting the answer will stay the same for at least a minute, you dont need to ask me the same question over and over again with just different wording. and what the fuck is up with their obsession with needles? it seemed every time they came threw the door they wanted to poke me with one.

gabby- signing off

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

what did i get myself into?

I dont feel good, my body really doesnt like to move. ive been so tired all the time which makes me grumpy, i really try not to show people but when the kids want to play i just get irritated. i just cant stand it. there are too many people here and if i knew when i was planning all of this that amanda would be here and her kids would be here sometimes too i would have just stayed im martinez. when i found out about it it was FAR to late to change schools agian. FUCK! my mom says that i need to have more patients with the baby but i dont really like kids, i dont think im ever gonna have any. Amanda is getting on my last good nerve. i cant wait till the property is done so that she can live there. hell by the time that its done the simester would probably be over. i havent really talked to my friends since i got here. im coming down next weekend, anyone wanna hang out? if things stay the way they are im probably moving back to Martinez when the simester is over. actually if they stay the way they are the i am moving back to mtz.

anyone reading this getting mad or annoyed at me the dont fucking read my blogs k?
alls well that ends ok so im gonna end this with a FUCK YOU, and have a nice day.

best of 09

Current mood:  nostalgic
1)fanime, both days i went fey, ari, maria you guys rock

2) my final project for photography, i thought i would have bombed it but it went really well and they were impressed with it.

3) eating dinner over at Orens house with his family, after they came back from apple tree hill. 

4) The harry potter premire with fey and gavin <3

5) kaylas birthday with everyone who went although im still kinda disappointed she didnt go streaking like she wanted, would of made a good story.

6) the new moon midnight showing with kayla and alex. plus dennys and the ride home with adam.

7) halloween with johnny fey and ari thank you guys for makeing sure i didnt go with noone to hang out with.

8) beating kingdom hearts 2

9) getting left for dead

10) being at my grandparents house for the last week.

11) all the time i spent at my moms house.

12) Johnnys cousins wedding <3 that was so much fun!

i prolly missed a few thing