Wednesday, February 17, 2010

kinda lost but thats ok

right now my life feels kinda like the song from three doors down, "when im gone"
i dont leave my room much now except for school. its becoming harder and harder to keep myself with this happy face on. i feel like i have disappointed my parents again. they dont show it but sometimes when i cough they look at me and i just know what they are thinking. im sorry i cant do my treatments. i wont lie and say i want to and i think thats the biggest thing... we all end up dead so why do something that will only prolong my suffering?
i dont deserve to love and get married. im would bring another child into this already over populated hell of a time period. and to top it all of i would die when they were young, but i also imagine that if i had a baby i would love myself more and would long to keep myself here for them. i know the love of a child by their mother is something no one who hasnt experiaced it would understand. i just wonder to myself that if thats true i might change myself for the better so i can watch them grow up.
i really hate myself sometimes and its getting really bad lately.
the emptyness is back, calling for me to let it take me away into myself. and im tempted to just crawl in there and let it have me. 

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